Some real stuff…

Today I am struggling with a couple of different things. First, someone my husband and I care about has relapsed. He spent the last year living with us. Hind sight is always 20/20, this time is no different. We both saw the red flags and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt instead of calling him out on his stuff. So I’m mostly angry with myself for not doing what I should have done. Im hurt our friend is back out rippin’ and runnin’.

Second, a pastor who is very important in my life and has been a huge part of my walk with the Lord has chastised me for not being a part of a body (church). I am currently between churches. We left our church family (not this particular pastor’s church) about a year ago, maybe a little longer. We left on good terms, I have nothing bad to say about the church we left. We just felt our season there was done. We may have been premature in that decision. We have not found another church we feel at home in since we left.

I’m in school full time, I have a family and sometimes my life feels a little crazy. So finding a church home hasn’t been on the top of my priority list. I also was doing Hep C treatment up until the end of Dec. and I’m just now starting to feel somewhat normal again. I have RA and that takes up some of my energy as well. Sounds like a bunch of excuses… I’m just giving a little background on the situation. Trying to make some sense of this and process it at the same time.

I have a hard time meeting new people. I am guarded because I’ve been hurt but I’m also avoiding the responsibility of living up to others expectations of me. I don’t even know what they are but I know what mine are. I hate disappointing people. Obviously I can disappoint people without even being around them… that’s seems a little odd to me.

My relationship with Jesus is good. It could always be better but I don’t think my relationship with Him is dependent on my attendance at church. I seek Him daily, talk to Him all day long and He speaks to me as well. I love to worship. He speaks to me a lot through music. I love that!

So, what do I do? Hmmm, still contemplating….

19 thoughts on “Some real stuff…

  1. irishsignora says:

    I will pray for the Lord’s guidance and that He makes his will known to you by something beautiful. Peace be with you. – Kelly

  2. tiffmartens says:

    Thanks for visiting our website. I pray that it will be a blessing to you. Praying that God will sustain you in your walk with Him. “Grace be to you and peace from God the Father and from our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Tiffany

  3. I want to give some counsel but this is a hard one because I too am between churches. I can tell you one thing. Seeking God about specific things never fails. Blessings to you and your family at this time. I just prayed for you.

  4. Kevin SIne says:

    Let this not be chastisement rather encouragement. Your pastor is right. You NEED to be involved in a church community. You have been gifted by the Holy Spirit to be a part of the body, You need to be doing your part to help the body grow and function, Also you need to be encouraged by others in the body of Christ for your own growth and edification. Please do make it a priority. I know you are feeling a little discouraged because of your friend, this is what the church is good for, to surround you and pray for you and encourage you.

    God Bless


  5. Vince Chough says:

    Remember… our heavenly Father is never ashamed of us. He will never reject you. Arms open for you and waiting always.

  6. terry1954 says:

    i wrote a blog about this same topic a few days back. i am totally in agreement with you. in my opinion, churches aren’t like they used to be. they are more oganized, and more about money. with the problems i am having with my brother, no one in church offered any help as they stood by and saw him fall. i have great faith in God. He is with me always, but I don’t have to prove that to anyone by going to church

  7. Ken Pettigrew says:

    I’ve got you in my prayers. Life can just plain suck sometimes. Reality: God’s love and grace have carried you this far and they’ll take you a lot futher. Enjoy your sabbatical from church and just seek God for the place you need to be. I love your honesty and transparency. You’ve blessed me today.

  8. I am going through church drought also.
    Keep your chin up.
    But do what you can
    Continue to write and repost about Jesus.
    They don’t have to be long
    Prayer-Lord God, please bring the loved one home and break the bondage

  9. kenstewart says:

    You are more on target than you know. We have been “out of church” for 5 years, and have found that our faith has grown (we still feed ourselves with blogs, audio and video teachings, book reading, friendships with other deep believers, etc.)–partly because church can actually “inoculate” you against real relationship with God. He says in several places (Hebrews 8:8-11; John 6:45; Jeremiah 31:31-34; and the concept is many other places too) that His goal is RELATIONSHIP–for us to KNOW him as He knows us. Sometimes (not always) church attendance mitigates AGAINST that!
    Sam Williamson has a blog “Beliefs of the Heart” that has a post today about WILLPOWER vs. DESIRE. Your desires are RIGHT and GOOD–keep following them as they lead you closer into “REAL-ationship” with the Lord! One book that helped me a lot is “So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore?” by Jake Colsen (psuedonym for Wayne Jacobsen and another author–it’s a novel, but if you like books that explain, he has a theological version of the same concept titled “The Naked Church” under his own name. Sometimes you can get free downloads of either–the websites are just the two author names with http://www.- in front and after, I think.)
    Blessings on your journey.
    DON’T GET DISCOURAGED! When people “judge” you, remember this scripture: “Who are you to judge another man [the Lord]’s servant? To his own Master he will stand or fall. AND HE WILL MAKE HIM STAND!” The Lord IS ABLE to make you stand! Keep pressing in! Blessings…

    • Thank you for the titles and the encouragement.


      • kenstewart says:

        One other thing I meant to say but forgot: Don’t hold yourself responsible for your friend’s “fall.” We fall when we have already decided internally to pursue some path that leads in that direction–i.e., we give in to the temptation LONG BEFORE we sin! Think about it: Adam and Eve had to have already decided at some point (and who knows how long?) that they were INTERESTED in “becoming like God” in some way that created DISSATISFACTION and allowed it to breed, fester, and lead to the Fall–and we are STILL “falling” for the same enticements! Forgive yourself–it’s the hardest kind of forgiveness you’ll ever have to practice!

  10. I n I says:

    We also don’t attend regularly anymore because church is more about the right wing agenda than it is about Jesus (at least our evangelical church is). The only reason I can see for you to return to a church is so that you don’t lose your family because one of you returned to the former task masters. If you and your husband can continue to walk in the Spirit then let us be your Church. God bless you mightily and I will continue praying for you guys!

  11. To the1savedbygrace, first, I like your name because it talks about what is the center of my life and blog as well. We are all saved by grace. I may make up a blog post about that, actually…

    Second, I have to sound a caution. When we got mad and left the church we belonged to because we were mad (in retrospect, I think we were grieving more than anything) and went to another church, which wasn’t the right church for us… that is when I tumbled back into active addiction. Be careful. As far as I n I ‘s comment, if a church is just a right wing establishment, that’s not the right church. Keep looking.

    Obviously, I know far too many people who have relapsed, and sometimes it really hurts. We go on and know that, but for the grace of God, go I. And, of course, work a program, stay close to God spiritually, don’t get overwhelmed with stupid stuff (like worrying too much about work!) etc…

    And glad you are done with the Hep C treatment! Pray for my friend who is having an awful time with it!

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