As a Child (Pt. 2)

Once my mom and dad decided to get back together, my mom packed us three kids up and moved us to Southern California where my dad was living at the time. We moved into an apartment in Goleta California. We only lived there for a short time before moving into Santa Barbara. We spent a great deal of time with family while we lived in SB. I have Aunts and Uncles and a bunch of cousins there. One of my aunts had several kids and we spent a lot of time there because she would babysit us while my parents either worked or went out.

The girls were always really mean to my sister and I. I really hated being there. If it weren’t for my cousin Taavi (names have been changed) I wouldn’t have anything good to say about that particular group of cousins. Taavi was about 4 years older than I. He had a paper route and he used to rescue me by taking me with him most everywhere he went. He would also take me to get ice cream when he got paid. I considered him my favorite cousin.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he was grooming me. Once things started happening it happened every time I was there and when we would spend the night there because the other girls and I didn’t get along my aunt would put me in bed with my cousin Taavi. This made it real easy for him. I was only ten years old when my innocence was stolen from me. I didn’t even know what that meant until years later.

This was only the beginning of the sexual abuse I would fall victim to for the next seven years. It was almost as though I had a neon sign that hung over my head that said, “abuse me.” My cousin wasn’t the only one. He was just the first. I’m not going to dwell on the abuse but I will say that by the time I was 16 there had been five different abusers some family some not.

I’m sure I don’t have to say how much damage was done to my childhood. The only thing I know for sure is God had a plan for my life. I did struggle with a great deal of depression, anxiety, and self image and self esteem issues. There were many times I had thought about killing myself but I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my younger siblings behind. Much of my teenage years were spent wishing I had never been born.

But GOD… had a plan, He would somehow turn everything around to bring glory to Himself and to heal others. I’m still a work in progress and sometimes the Lord still has to remind me it is a part of my testimony and for His glory. I have often asked Him how all the abuse could possibly bring Him honor and glory. I’ve often wondered if it was worth it. All the confusion, and hurt, mistrust, insecurity, everything… How could anything good possibly come from that?

Well… Someday, someone will hear my story and know that they will be able to make it through with God’s help.

I have a friend who is young enough to be my daughter who has suffered a lot of the same things I have. one day she came over and burst into tears for no apparent reason. Usually, she was happy go lucky and such a kidder. She always makes me smile, but on this day she was broken. As she began to share everything she had been dealing with it was like I was listening to my own story.

I heard her talk about the abuse and how it has interfered with her recovery. I sat with her and comforted her and before we were done she had said she was glad that she was able to tell me and I didn’t judge her. At that moment I realized that everything I had gone through as child was worth it. It was worth it because I could empathize with this young lady and we could talk about how it wouldn’t always feel like this and how God would heal her and he would use her to reach others for Christ’s sake.


Romans 8:28 (NLT)
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

35 thoughts on “As a Child (Pt. 2)

  1. […] Main menu Skip to content HomeAbout MeAs a Child (PT. 1)As a Child (Pt. 2) […]

  2. justalilly says:

    Saved by Grace, I’m not going to pretend to even know the slightest reason that some things happen…..but this I do know….that verse ” all things work together for good to them who love God and are called according to His purpose” well it says all things work together for good, not that the things are good. They work together. to bring a good end. And it sounds like the Lord is bringing all that around for you. Isn’t is so wonderful that our precious Savoir give beauty for ashes….He is altogether lovely. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. NanaDoll says:

    I praise God that He is redeeming the evil that was done to you for His glory and His praise. You are His workmanship, created to good works, and He is completing His will for your life as you live for Him. I grieve for the past pain in your life yet am thankful that He is faithful and keeps His promises to us. Blessings to you!

  4. MainWriters says:

    Sometimes healing takes a long time. God is faithful, but it can take longer than we’d like. Learning to see ourselves as God does is something that we have to work at. God loved us enough to die for us. We are very precious and beautiful in His sight. Knowing that we are deeply loved help us to walk from despair into the light. I thank God that you are walking in the light.

  5. Where is your like button. I am so amazed that we have so much in common. I believe blogging is our way to grow in the Lord too. I started my blog only last year. I was truly saved at 54 yrs old. I always knew God was there, but, he didn’t call me until I was completely broken.

    • You are right that this is a good way to grow and even get healing. Thanks for the comment. I read yours as well and yes we do have a lot in common. Blessings! Hope to hear from you again.


  6. kenstewart says:

    Good telling of a bad story–bad that it happened, evil and sad. But glad you see light in this, and hope. Glad you are able to see God’s glory coming through you. Thank you for sharing with just enough detail to let us know, but still see God’s possible plans evolving. Blessings on your journey!

  7. I admire your courage and honesty. I have worked with traumatized children for most of my life, besides the fact that there were so many traumatized adult children in my family. Watching the chaos around me made me determined to be different. I can’t remember not knowing that I was supposed to be God’s. I’ve wondered before where that came from, but I know it was from God. Once, not long ago, God gave me an image of myself as a little girl standing in the middle of the chaos, and there was God kneeling beside me with his hand on my shoulder, and I knew then that He had been with me all along. Even though you had many hurtful, frightening, and lonely experiences, while reading your story, I couldn’t help but believe God was there with you all along, too.
    I love what justalilly said about all things working together to bring about good, but that the things themselves were not necessarily good.
    You will find plenty of opportunities to help someone going through what you went through. I believe God can use you in a mighty way in people’s lives.
    Thank you for sharing this.

  8. Guna says:

    This is a very touching story and I thank you for sharing it. May your testimony be one of encouragement and ultimately lead others in a similar situation to the Lord.

  9. writinggomer says:

    Wow is this ever a powerful testimony! That is terrible what happened to you, at the same time though…I can see that you are and will be a blessing to others in need that have been through a similar situation.
    God bless you for your sharing.
    Check out this link, It will bless you I think.

    God bless

  10. You and I have things in common. I was abused in all ways for the first 22 years of my life. The abuse I found hardest to overcome was being told, every day and often several times a day, that I was totally evil; that no one would ever want me, so I might as well do the world a favour and kill myself.

    “But God” – two of my favourite words in the Bible – But God changed my life completely 8th June 1958. Although I was a man hater and the thought of ‘father’ brought horrors, in amazing ways He revealed Himself to me and drew me to Himself. He adopted me into His own family and as my loving heavenly Father, He has been my Everything for the last 53 years. Now, I thank God for everything that happened in my early life because it made me what I am today and has given me a unique ministry to others.

    I am looking forward to reading more of your testimony of God’s goodness.

  11. Rosie says:

    Thanks for your candidness. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share with us on such a tough topic! Yes , once we have victory in an area through Christ Jesus , we are able to reach back into that same community and help someone else get to a path of freedom. His glory seeps down into our good. Blessings to you sis

  12. parsesyeux says:

    Thanks for the follow! Your story sounds amazing – thank you for sharing it with us. God bless you and your family! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. tiffmartens says:

    Thank you for sharing this. God has apparently been the healer of your soul. The beauty of your life rests in Him alone as it is apparent from all these responses. You’re willingness to choose a radiant spirit seems to over-ride the damage of the body: and this has and will impact lives. I will be praying that God will use your testimony to touch and heal those who have been in this same situation. God bless you.

  14. rjdawarrior says:

    You are and have always been God’s Beloved, some of us have to walk through the fire to understand and see that we never got burned, through it all….

    1 Peter 1:6-7
    “Now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold, which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

    James 1:2-4
    “Count it all joy, my brethren when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ”

    Romans 8:13
    “If by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body you will live.”

    What is life like in the refiner’s fire?
    More than anything else it is the unshakable trust that all the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness. And on the path to purity and heaven the other truth is this: no pain no gain.

    Both things are true: the Lord is like a refiner’s fire; and a refiner’s fire is a fire.

    Much Love From Above, and from me to you ~ RJ

  15. SR says:

    Hey Saved By Grace,

    I cannot hit the “like” button, as I am just sitting here thinking about your story. I do not know why abuse happens but it does. I as well was abused. Do not dwell on it much anymore, but at times it can haunt. I know God is a great and wonderful God and will send us those who need us. Thanks for sharing and God Bless, SR

  16. LifeWhataJoy says:

    Your story is powerful. Continue to allow God to work in your life. Blessings, Susan (PS..thanks for stopping by my blog.)

  17. When I hear about people being abused such as yourself, my heat aches. I can’t even imagine. It really hurt when you said it seemed like you had a neon sign over you. I don’t understand the why’s, but God knows. Out of habit I hit the “like” button, but I agree with the above comment. I had to unlike. My eyes are filled will tears for you and I truly hope you are okay. Blessings..

    • God is good and gracious. It is my hearts desire to minister to others who have been abused. I am grateful that what the enemy used to try and destroy me God intends to use for His glory. I am better than ok. I am a child of God and I am an over comer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.

  18. […] Main menu Skip to content HomeAbout MeAs a Child (PT. 1)As a Child (Pt. 2) […]

  19. graciehill48 says:

    Do you realize the gift you have received that others seem to lack so often? You say the young girl thanked you : she was glad that she was able to tell me and I didnโ€™t judge her. You didn’t judge her…because you’ve walked in her shoes. God bless you as you grow in him and serve him.

  20. Loved reading your story. I have an echo of your story as a child. So glad that through it all, God saves and redeems and calls us His own. Bless you dear lady!

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