Sometimes life just sucks!!!


I don’t even know where to start. Some real life stuff is happening and I am fighting such deep anger. We (my husband and I) are being attacked in every direction. My step-daughter, whom I love dearly, is battling with her mother right now to regain custody of her 10 year old daughter. Our granddaughter was going to live with us for the school year to help out her mom and fiancĂ© until they were able to get into a bigger house. They have 5 kids all together. Our daughter’s mother decided to keep our granddaughter after a visit. Now we are in a huge custody battle. She is saying all kinds of evil things against us. Please play for my family during this time. Our plates are full and Im still in school trying to finish my bachelors degree,while being a wife, mom, grandma and student, and this is very painful for my husband as this is his daughter and granddaughter we are fighting for and his ex we are dealing with. My family appreciates it very much.

Blessings

Unforgiveness…. Me?


I took a break for a few days. I’ve been busy with school and doing some thinking. I’ve debated on writing on the following topic because it’s kind of a sore subject for me. Ok, not kind of, it is a sore subject. At any rate, I’ve decided to try and articulate my feelings and put my thoughts on paper (so to speak).

When I was 15 yrs. old my mom and dad split up for the final time. A year later my dad ended with a girl 9 months older than I. She had lost her father basically the same year I lost mine. Only mine was still alive and hers wasn’t. He was a cop and got shot in a routine traffic stop that obviously turned out not so routine. Anyway, this girl was now my dads’ girlfriend. Oh joy! They eventually get married and she has serious jealousy issues with me. Bad news. She made my life miserable whenever I visited my dad, which really wasn’t much. At one point they lived with my first husband and I for a while. I hated that too but what can you do?

Years later, she ends up with six kids from my dad and I hardly ever talked to him because she made it very difficult for me. She made it very clear and minced no words at telling me my dad didn’t need me in his life anymore, he now had his own family to watch out for.

My dad ended up having a heart attack and need quadruple by-pass surgery. The doctors didn’t know if he would make it. All this time they lived in California while I lived in Oregon. I didn’t have the means to run to his bedside, although I wanted to. I tried calling the hospital to talk to my dad before surgery and she wouldn’t let me talk to him. She said he didn’t need the likes of me upsetting him before surgery. I was smack dab in the middle of my addiction at the time, but I had the sense enough to know I loved him and needed to make peace with him in case he didn’t make it. My blood boiled when she wouldn’t let me talk to my dad. thinking about it today makes my blood boil.

My dad and her were married 20 years before they divorced because she had an affair. She turned their kids against my dad and broke his heart over it. It was a nasty divorce she was very vindictive and hateful. Now I know none of that is my issue. However, I am glad they aren’t together because now I have been able to have a relationship with my dad that I was unable to have because of her.

My dad now lives here in Oregon in my neighborhood. I see him everyday. I enjoy having him close, even though it’s difficult to have an ongoing conversation with him, but that’s just dad. I love him and love it that he is close.

He tells me last month that “she” invited him down for a BBQ so that he could see all the kids (all but two are grown) and grand kids. Instantly warning lights start flashing in my head. DANGER! DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson! I kept silent until just before he left to go to California. I told him I loved him. I also told him to guard his heart and be watchful. He left and came back. He said it was good to see all the kids and grand-babies. Then he drops the atomic bomb on me and that’s exactly how it felt. He told me “she” was coming up next month with the two youngest girls.

You know… I’m not worried about him having a relationship with the other kids. I know my dad has enough love in his heart for all 10 of his kids and 13 grand kids. My fear is that if he gets back with his EX, I will lose him again. She has never liked me and never pretended she did, except when dad was around. However, she made his life miserable if he even thought about me.

I thought I would never have to see her or deal with her ever again. I had buried her so deep I had forgotten how much I despise her. I know this doesn’t sound very Christian, not even a little bit. I have come to realize I have very deep seeded unforgiveness towards her. In fact, I feel hatred towards her. I have also come to realize how I don’t like the feeling it puts in my chest. It feels tight, like someone sitting on my chest. I know I have to forgive her. Not so much for her but for me.

I have always felt that if I forgive someone for the horrible things they have done to me, it’s like letting them off the hook. I have recently learned that is not the case. It is really letting me off the hook. It is freeing me. I know this to be true. However, it still doesn’t “FEEL” that way. Thank God we don’t have to live by feelings. I am able to walk in faith. So, I am asking for prayer to be able to walk this journey of forgiveness out in faith.

I would like to do this without having to talk to her or see her. Is that possible? I am really hoping that the Lord will allow me that. We’ll see.

Colossians 2:13-15
You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave ALL our sins. He cancelled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.

When children choose to disobey…


If you have children you will get this. If you don’t you probably know someone who has children and still might get this or maybe you were one of these children. I was.

Defiant – boldly resisting authority or an opposing force.

When your children choose to be defiant no matter how many times you tell them or show them how to do things the right way there comes a time when you have to step back and say, “Ok. Have it your way.” Knowing full well there will be consequences. You as the parent wishing full well they would just listen to you because you know what’s best. It’s easy for us as parents to see the painful road ahead, none the less, they are determined to do things their way. Just as we are determined to do things our way, the Lord will also say, ” Have it your way.”

I spent the better part of my adult life doing things my way. Running from the call God had on my life. Running came with a huge price. It meant broken marriages, and it cost me custody of my children. It also meant homelessness and drug addiction.

My third husband and I lived in a tent on a creek. We lived lives as out casts, broken, rejected by society, family and friends because of our addiction and criminal behavior. We burnt bridges that the only hope of restoration would have to have our Lord Jesus right in the middle of it.

As any addict, I was always running for drugs or running from the law or people I owed money to. I was mostly running from myself and all the shame and guilt. I just wanted the pain to stop. Somehow I always ran into something or someone that would remind me of the call God had on my life. The call was getting more and more difficult to run from. I knew the running was going to come to an end eventually.

When someone loves you so much, they are willing to do what ever it takes to reach you. If they can’t reach you one way they will try another way. Sometimes the consequences can be severe, but eventually the lifestyle will catch up with you. Thank God, He is God and promises to NEVER leave you or forsake you. (Deut. 31:8)

Jesus ALWAYS meets you right where you are at. Sometimes that might be in jail, in the hospital, in a drug house, even in the bathroom somewhere where you are getting high. BUT no matter where you are or what you are doing He will meet you there. I could never get high enough or run far enough to not hear God’s voice. Don’t get me wrong, I tried… I tried to the point of overdosing. (Romans 8:39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below– indeed, NOTHING in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (NLT))

He would remind me that I was a child of God, that I was more than a conqueror, that he loved me so much He died for me. He waited for me patiently to come to the end of myself. I was reminded of the call that I had been running from. I was reminded of all the hurting people just like me that need to be pointed to the cross. I was reminded of how much my own children needed me.

You see, I was carrying a cross that wasn’t mine to bare. I didn’t get it. I thought I deserved to carry around shame, guilt, humiliation, rejection, abandonment, addiction, and emotional pain from childhood abuse. For a while I thought I wore a neon sign that said, “Abuse me” or “I’ve been abused so abuse me more.” I thought I deserved to be treated like Rahab (Joshua 6), the woman at the well (John 4) or Mary Magdalene(Luke 8) because I was all of them.

Then one day I saw myself in a broken heap. When I looked up there I was at the foot of the cross and there was Jesus with His arms outstretched and as He looked down at me with His ever loving eyes full of compassion. He said, “Do you want to be free?” Of course I did! He said, “Then leave those horrible things here at my feet. I have already paid the price for them.” Then He reached down and lifted me up. I said, “Lord, you know I can’t do it. I’m weak.” Then He said, ” My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)

As I looked at the cross, there I saw everything I had been carrying around nailed to the cross covered in His blood. I buried my face in His chest and began to weep for it was then I began to receive my healing and deliverance.

Everyday I pray and ask Jesus to allow my reflection to reveal Him, and I thank Him everyday for my freedom because the Son has set me free and I am free indeed. (John 8:36)