Matthew 5:43-47


Jesus:
“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.’ But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in Heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that.

1Corinthians 13:4-7


Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it’s own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Unforgiveness…. Me?


I took a break for a few days. I’ve been busy with school and doing some thinking. I’ve debated on writing on the following topic because it’s kind of a sore subject for me. Ok, not kind of, it is a sore subject. At any rate, I’ve decided to try and articulate my feelings and put my thoughts on paper (so to speak).

When I was 15 yrs. old my mom and dad split up for the final time. A year later my dad ended with a girl 9 months older than I. She had lost her father basically the same year I lost mine. Only mine was still alive and hers wasn’t. He was a cop and got shot in a routine traffic stop that obviously turned out not so routine. Anyway, this girl was now my dads’ girlfriend. Oh joy! They eventually get married and she has serious jealousy issues with me. Bad news. She made my life miserable whenever I visited my dad, which really wasn’t much. At one point they lived with my first husband and I for a while. I hated that too but what can you do?

Years later, she ends up with six kids from my dad and I hardly ever talked to him because she made it very difficult for me. She made it very clear and minced no words at telling me my dad didn’t need me in his life anymore, he now had his own family to watch out for.

My dad ended up having a heart attack and need quadruple by-pass surgery. The doctors didn’t know if he would make it. All this time they lived in California while I lived in Oregon. I didn’t have the means to run to his bedside, although I wanted to. I tried calling the hospital to talk to my dad before surgery and she wouldn’t let me talk to him. She said he didn’t need the likes of me upsetting him before surgery. I was smack dab in the middle of my addiction at the time, but I had the sense enough to know I loved him and needed to make peace with him in case he didn’t make it. My blood boiled when she wouldn’t let me talk to my dad. thinking about it today makes my blood boil.

My dad and her were married 20 years before they divorced because she had an affair. She turned their kids against my dad and broke his heart over it. It was a nasty divorce she was very vindictive and hateful. Now I know none of that is my issue. However, I am glad they aren’t together because now I have been able to have a relationship with my dad that I was unable to have because of her.

My dad now lives here in Oregon in my neighborhood. I see him everyday. I enjoy having him close, even though it’s difficult to have an ongoing conversation with him, but that’s just dad. I love him and love it that he is close.

He tells me last month that “she” invited him down for a BBQ so that he could see all the kids (all but two are grown) and grand kids. Instantly warning lights start flashing in my head. DANGER! DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson! I kept silent until just before he left to go to California. I told him I loved him. I also told him to guard his heart and be watchful. He left and came back. He said it was good to see all the kids and grand-babies. Then he drops the atomic bomb on me and that’s exactly how it felt. He told me “she” was coming up next month with the two youngest girls.

You know… I’m not worried about him having a relationship with the other kids. I know my dad has enough love in his heart for all 10 of his kids and 13 grand kids. My fear is that if he gets back with his EX, I will lose him again. She has never liked me and never pretended she did, except when dad was around. However, she made his life miserable if he even thought about me.

I thought I would never have to see her or deal with her ever again. I had buried her so deep I had forgotten how much I despise her. I know this doesn’t sound very Christian, not even a little bit. I have come to realize I have very deep seeded unforgiveness towards her. In fact, I feel hatred towards her. I have also come to realize how I don’t like the feeling it puts in my chest. It feels tight, like someone sitting on my chest. I know I have to forgive her. Not so much for her but for me.

I have always felt that if I forgive someone for the horrible things they have done to me, it’s like letting them off the hook. I have recently learned that is not the case. It is really letting me off the hook. It is freeing me. I know this to be true. However, it still doesn’t “FEEL” that way. Thank God we don’t have to live by feelings. I am able to walk in faith. So, I am asking for prayer to be able to walk this journey of forgiveness out in faith.

I would like to do this without having to talk to her or see her. Is that possible? I am really hoping that the Lord will allow me that. We’ll see.

Colossians 2:13-15
You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave ALL our sins. He cancelled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.

Unspeakable joy…


1Peter 1:8-9 (NLT)
You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for your trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.

This verse struck me today. It amazes me…even though I have never seen Him as a person, I have still seen Him in people, in situations, in creation, and in action and YES I love Him and trust Him and YES it gives me GREAT joy.

Mother’s Day…


I have always loved being a mom and Mother’s Day has always meant so much to me. It means so much for a couple of reasons… First because I love my mom, Second, because it reminds me of how blessed I am to be a mom. I have two wonderful sons of whom I am very proud.

When I was a teenager I wished so badly to have a baby. I just knew if I had a baby to love and who would love me all of my childhood pain would disappear. I thank God today that He didn’t allow me to get pregnant.

When I was married the first time, I was so desperate to start a family. I wanted to show the world how to raise and love a child. We began trying less than a year after we were married. I had two miscarriages while with my first husband. We tried for nearly three years before we split up (for totally different reasons).

I never used birth control because it really messed me up. So getting pregnant was always a possibility. I met my boys’ dad and we were together 4 months when I got pregnant. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I wouldn’t allow myself to show the excitement because I was afraid I would jinx myself and miscarry again.

I loved being pregnant! It was the coolest thing ever. I remember the excitement the very first time i felt him move. I wasn’t plagued with morning sickness and I loved going into the produce section at the grocery store. I could smell every fruit as if I had it right up to my nose. It was great! When it was time, I had the most beautiful baby boy I had ever laid eyes on.

I absolutely love being a mom…. Three years later I had my second adorable son. Now they are 20 and 17. I still love being a mom. I miss having them depend on me for everything and I wish there were things I could go back and re-do for their sakes. However, they are the most awesome, loving, smart, talented boys a mom could ask for. I am proud to be their mom and I thank God for the opportunity to raise up some great young men.

Today, I wasn’t able to be with my boys but they called me and that meant a lot. I was with another wonderful mom, my mother-in-law. She has also raised a wonderful son, my husband. I hope that I can be a mom-in-law like her some day. She is my remodel for my future family. I love her with all my heart and I am so grateful to her for raising such an awesome man for me.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Proverbs 31:25-29 (NLT)
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”