Saying goodbye…


We said goodbye to another friend on Nov. 2nd. Him and his wife were a part of our homeless family when we were homeless. They had finally gotten off the streets and gotten sober in Jan. of this year. Bret was in dire need of a new liver but knew his chances of getting one were slim to none. He went in for heart surgery to patch a hole and put a couple of stints in some blocked valves about 4 wks. ago. Surgery went well but he had a bleed somewhere so was opened back up. He never woke back up completely. He was on the respirator for all but a few days. His kidneys failed, his lungs collapsed, then he started bleeding again, finally he got pneumonia.
All the while his wife was by his side. She clung on to hope. She had a hard time understanding what the doctors were talking about and didn’t know what questions to ask. She had only 2 friends that would visit Bret in ICU and 1 or 2 friends that were there for her exclusively. She struggled to make decisions about what measures she should or shouldn’t take. Her and Bret never talked about a death plan. They were together for 20 yrs. and all but this last year was homeless and drunk. Christine finally had to choose wether or not to take him off life support. The hardest decision she has ever had to make. Bret told her before he went into surgery that he had his teeth fixed, now his heart was getting fixed and he was ready to go to heaven. Yes, he was saved. So he has gone home to be with Jesus. Christine is struggling and as far as I know hasn’t had a drink. I don’t want to see her end up back out on the street. Please pray for her.
During this time, my husband and I have thought about two things in particular. First, how grateful we are for our health. We are immensely blessed and don’t deserve to be as healthy as we are because of the lifestyle we led in the past. Truly, if you knew everything, you would understand when I say we are walking-talking miracles. The second and because of the first thought, why does God bless some with good health and not others? How does He choose which ones get to live and which ones get to die? I mean really? Please don’t get me wrong! WE ARE GRATEFUL! I just wonder how I get to be one of the lucky ones and I know it’s not about luck… It’s about Grace… Much Grace.

Some real stuff…


Today I am struggling with a couple of different things. First, someone my husband and I care about has relapsed. He spent the last year living with us. Hind sight is always 20/20, this time is no different. We both saw the red flags and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt instead of calling him out on his stuff. So I’m mostly angry with myself for not doing what I should have done. Im hurt our friend is back out rippin’ and runnin’.

Second, a pastor who is very important in my life and has been a huge part of my walk with the Lord has chastised me for not being a part of a body (church). I am currently between churches. We left our church family (not this particular pastor’s church) about a year ago, maybe a little longer. We left on good terms, I have nothing bad to say about the church we left. We just felt our season there was done. We may have been premature in that decision. We have not found another church we feel at home in since we left.

I’m in school full time, I have a family and sometimes my life feels a little crazy. So finding a church home hasn’t been on the top of my priority list. I also was doing Hep C treatment up until the end of Dec. and I’m just now starting to feel somewhat normal again. I have RA and that takes up some of my energy as well. Sounds like a bunch of excuses… I’m just giving a little background on the situation. Trying to make some sense of this and process it at the same time.

I have a hard time meeting new people. I am guarded because I’ve been hurt but I’m also avoiding the responsibility of living up to others expectations of me. I don’t even know what they are but I know what mine are. I hate disappointing people. Obviously I can disappoint people without even being around them… that’s seems a little odd to me.

My relationship with Jesus is good. It could always be better but I don’t think my relationship with Him is dependent on my attendance at church. I seek Him daily, talk to Him all day long and He speaks to me as well. I love to worship. He speaks to me a lot through music. I love that!

So, what do I do? Hmmm, still contemplating….